Lately I've been feeling cluttered. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
I had the month of August off from watching Luke, and I seized the extra freedom that I had. I made lots of plans with friends that I don't get to see very often, and I was overall busy. As a result, my home suffered, my mood suffered, and my walk with Jesus suffered. It was a fun month, and it was nice to catch up with some people that I hadn't seen in a while, but I'm not sure that the end result was worth it.
This is my first week back to having Luke, and I had forgotten just how much I enjoy having him around. I love watching him and Noah play and enjoy each other. I love having the extra time at home. I've had extra time to straighten up and do projects around the house that have been collecting dust for a month. And for me, lots of quiet time at home is good for my soul. I am continually blessed by fellowship and the close friendships that I have here, but I am really an introvert who thrives on having alone time, and quiet time with my family. It has been nice to have a slower pace, to sit back and cherish the moments.
I have spent the last month by being overly committed. For me having plans every single day of the week is overly committed, even if they are just for an hour or two. I tend to need frequent days where I can be still, silent, reflective, and allow myself to putter around the house as I fancy. I need the stillness and quiet in order to hear what the Lord is saying, to be aware of His promptings, and to have the time and energy to be available as He prompts me.
I'm slowly working my way through our physical space, packing up Noah's clothes that are too small, and digging out the next sizes that he'll be wearing. Continuing to rotate what clothes are in my drawers as my body continues to change and get closer to its pre-pregnancy shape (I have reached my pre-pregnancy weight, but am still shocked at how different my body is shaped and how my old clothes still don't fit).
As I've been de-cluttering our home, there has been this feeling inside of me that I'm feeling a tad bit "off", and haven't been myself. The feeling that I get a few times a year, and seem to need a really good and long cry to find relief from. Does anyone else get like that, or is it just me? A friend of mine told me years ago that women cry like men sweat, it's just a release that we need sometimes. That's how I'm feeling right now, like I need a good releasing cry. That all of this being busy has my head and heart swimming with ideas of things that I've read, heard, and seen, and that I just need some relaxed time to process all of them. So many of these things cluttering up my head are good things, they are items that I want to create, ways that I want to serve others, and so forth, and now I need the time to put to action all of the inspiration that has been swirling inside of me.
Ultimately, if I'm feeling cluttered emotionally, it is a result of spiritual clutter, otherwise my emotions wouldn't feel so overwhelming, and I would be resting in the peace of Jesus. Over the past month I've had many prayers for others that were heavy on my heart. I've had many theological questions, in some cases changing things that I've been believing for years. I've just had a lot going on, bouncing around inside of me, without the time to process it, without the time to devote as much attention to these areas in which the Lord is at work in me. I'm trying to find my way out from this clutter, and so I cling to the basics. To the Truth that I know. To focusing on loving Jesus, and loving others (Matthew 22:37-40). I am seeking first His Kingdom (Matthew 6:32-34), and letting go of all of the details and circumstances competing for my attention. (Which is VERY hard to do for a person like me, who thrives and enjoys details so much). So I pray, that He will weed out the thorns that are growing up and crowding Him out. I'm asking for Him to make my path straight, and to prune back all of the branches that aren't bearing fruit. I meditate on what it looks like to do everything that I do for His glory, without idle time, resources, and energy. I seek to experience His presence in each and every moment. And suddenly, all is well with my soul.
2 comments:
Wow.. Exactly the same way I've been feeling, but you put it so well. I've been crazily trying to declutter, reorganize, throw away...too many appointment, all three of the little ones starting kindergarten, one starting senior year at high school and one starting college. INSANE. I really need quiet. And yes, tears are cleansing, and for me I feel alot stronger once I cry and get it out. Still love reading your blog. Thanks for being open and honest. Noah is SO beautiful!
I know exactly what you're saying! several times a year i just feel like hitting a "reset" button and retreating. I think God built us for cycles: times to go full-steam learning, working, doing and changing... and then times to be still... before doing it all over again! It's easy to be frustrated about feeling "off", but it's actually nice to have a signal that its time for a new phase.
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