Psalm
96:2-3 Sing to the Lord; praise his name. Each day proclaim the good
news that he saves. Publish his glorious deeds among the nations. Tell
everyone about the amazing things he does.
I share
because there is power in a testimony to defeat the works of the enemy.
I share so that upon hearing how God has pursued, redeemed and blessed
me that you may believe that He can and will do the same for you. I
share to proclaim the great things that He has done for me and praise
His holy name, loving heart and mighty hand...
I haven't
always had a thriving relationship with God, or known Him, or even
believed in Him. In fact, I spent the majority of my thirty {plus}
years completely denying Him.
As a kid I had no desire whatsoever
for anything spiritual in nature. From time to time I was exposed to a
small taste of various spiritual beliefs and paths, but I was very put
off by them and wanted nothing to do with any of it. Other than a few
scattered experiences I didn't grow up in any particular church or
beliefs.
We celebrated Easter and Christmas in my home, but we
were not Christians. In fact, I really had no idea at all that those
holidays were about anything other than a bunny and Santa Clause. My
only memory of having any exposure to the name of Jesus prior to the
time I was 24 was seeing the movie Dogma and the big Jesus statue in it.
Although
I didn't know Jesus, or even have a taste for spiritual things, I grew
up always having a hunger and need to feel loved. I was created to be
in relationship with my Maker, and until I found Him I spent my life
always searching, always trying new things to fill the void that I felt
inside of me. Trying to dull the ache in my heart and find satisfaction
for my life, but always coming out empty handed.
I tried drugs. Lots of them. Almost all of them. I used them a lot from 8th grade until I graduated high school.
I
tried self mutilation. I cut my arms with razor blades, almost daily,
for a large part of middle and high school. Really it was just a cry
for attention. I just wanted someone to tell me and show me that they
cared. That they loved me. That I mattered. That I was special.
I tried boys, and physical contact.
Yet none of these things satisfied me.
In my early twenties I was still feeling the ache in my soul.
I tried finding my worth by pursuing a career.
I tried buying things to give me pleasure. 22 pairs of shoes alone in 1 year. Racking up LOTS of debt.
I still tried boys.
I tried regular binge drinking and bar hopping, always seeking attention, dancing on bars, flirting with everyone.
I tried my image. I got in shape. Bought/ wore nice clothes. Got my hair and nails done regularly and wore lots of makeup.
Still
aching. Still lonely. Still searching for love, satisfaction and
purpose in all of the wrong places. Still feeling empty.
At the
age of 24 I was invited to a church for the first time. I don't really
know why I decided to go other than that God was working in my heart,
drawing me to Him, and His Spirit was nudging me to take this small,
first step.
So I agreed to meet this friend at church. I didn't
really know what to expect to happen at church, in fact, the only two
things that I knew about church were that I was supposed to dress up,
and that I was supposed to give money. When I was running late that
Sunday morning I remember realizing that I didn't have any cash in my
wallet and told my friend that I would be late so I could go to the ATM
and pick up money. To which she assured me that it would be fine if I
did not give any money, but I decided to be late and make the stop
anyway. (In hindsight, I find it very interesting that the only two
things I knew about church were dressing up and giving money... just a
glimpse of the perspective I had).
So I went to church. And I
started going regularly. Every Thursday evening to a young adult
service, and every Sunday morning. I learned a lot. I listened to the
entire sermon each week and ate it up like food for my soul. I learned
about God creating the world, and the fall and sin entering the world. I
learned about God sending His son, Jesus, to earth in the form of a
child. I learned about Jesus' life and earthly ministry. I learned
about His death, burial, resurrection and ascension. I learned about
the disciples and their lives. And I learned about the promises for
what is to come. And I believed it. Every. Single. Bit. It
resonated with something inside of me and I believed it all, instantly.
Despite
the fact that I believed all that I was learning about God my life
still looked very different from most church goers. I lived with my
boyfriend, cussed a lot, smoked cigarettes, and went out and got wasted
(to the point of vomiting) several times a week. As I mentioned
earlier, my life wasn't really making me feel happy or fulfilled, but it
was all I knew. I was scared of change. So I carried on in what may
have been a double life for a few months. Then I hit what I believed to
be rock bottom.
There had been a certain behavior that I had
labeled as what "bad" people did and became irritated with people who
would do such a thing. Although a very low standard, it was the moral
bar I had told myself I was above. And then I did it. That exact
behavior that I had found so disgusting in others. And through that I
hurt several people who were really important to me. It was then that I
was finally willing to accept that on my own I wasn't the "good" person
I thought I was. That I had royally made a mess of my life and didn't
like the direction things were going. And all the truth that I had been
hearing about God, His redemption, His grace and forgiveness, His
salvation, and His transforming work in the lives of His people began to
beckon to me. At that point I completely surrendered my life to
Jesus. Decided to follow Him and live for Him, regardless of what that
meant.
He was the most important person in my life. I spent
almost all of the time that I wasn't at work with Him, reading His word,
wanting to know Him more. I would call my friend up with questions
like "Do I need to quit smoking?", "Do I need to move out from living
with my boyfriend" and so on. And she would gently nudge me not to go
out and make a bunch of quick lifestyle changes because that's what I
was supposed to do, but to let God lead me and guide me. And He did.
One step at a time.
I was a poster child for Hebrews 11:6, that
God rewards those who diligently seek Him. I sought Him and He revealed
Himself, and He changed me... completely. I was (and am) a new
creation (2 Corinthians 5:17). I was (and am) so passionate about
Jesus. I felt like the woman from the Bible who had been forgiven of
much sin and was therefore extremely grateful of the pardon she had been
given.
I spent the next several years pouring myself into
pursuing God, studying His word, and serving those around me.
Constantly growing in my understanding of Him and the Christian life.
And
then a few years ago I had an awakening of sorts. God became alive and
real to me in a much deeper way than He ever had been. He challenged a
lot of my beliefs, theology, practices etc {like
speaking in tongues}.
He showed me a bunch of legalism and rule following I'd been living
in. He taught me about grace, freedom and wholeness. He taught me
about my identity in Him, my oneness with Him, the finished work of the
cross. He taught me about rest and ceasing to strive, not trying to
please Him or earn anything from Him, but how to just be, receive, and
let Him naturally flow out of me. I became intimately acquainted with
Him... we went from just acquaintances to friends, and then to something
much deeper than that. I began to hear Him speak, see Him in
everything and everyone around me, and began to believe for and
experience Him in supernatural ways that I had always had a theology
for, but that were never what I had seen or known.
All the
loneliness, emptiness and discontentment disappeared as I got to know my
Maker, and started fulfilling the purpose and destiny for which He had
created me.
His transformation in my life really has been
miraculous. I know that people tell you that once you are an addict
and/ or alcoholic that you are always one. But I can honestly say that
my old self is gone, the sinful desires and habits of drug abuse,
alcohol abuse etc. no longer have a hold on me. The former
dysfunctional behaviors are completely gone. The emotional wounds from
physical violations, experiences, and ties have been completely healed.
Now that I know my identity in Christ I no longer seek to find it
through attention from others, through what I do or a career, through my
looks and image.
I have found a love so much greater then I ever
could have imagined. A sense of purpose and wholeness too good to be
true. I have found forgiveness and redemption... salvation and
freedom... I have found the life I was intended to live.
And here I
am now... constantly having my mind-rewed, challenged, and blown by my
God who is so much better, and so much more intimate and personal then I
ever had imagined. Each day with Him is never boring, never dull,
never monotonous. Each day is a special adventure with my Maker,
getting to know Him, enjoying Him and experiencing Him through the world
around me.
There's a lot more detail I could have added in
here and a lot more specifics, but some of those are stories for a
different day {like the time He blew my mind with provision, or the time He gave me insight into my calling}.
He's constantly teaching me things, giving me revelation and crazy
experiences and this is just a very basic framework for how He has and
is continuing to work in my life. This story isn't over, it's an ongoing, ever changing journey with new aspects, insights, and dimensions being added daily.
I hope this inspires you to remember
your story... to remember the ways He has worked in your life. To
praise His mighty deeds and loving heart. And to see His fingerprints
as you go about each day, each moment, enthralled by His presence.